When I first got it in my mind to start blogging about my journey out of breast cancer (“out of” sounds better to me than “through”), I knew I was going to have to be transparent for the sake of helping and encouraging someone else. The good, the bad, the ugly…you’d see it all. Well, almost all. There are just some things a lady doesn’t share, right? Right.
This should have been a great week. The best of weeks. Monday was a really big day, after all — I finished five months of chemo! Woo hoo? Yes, woo hoo…and aside from being drugged up on Benedryl, I was very happy to be done. It began to hit me that night and especially the next day that finishing chemo was a VERY big deal.
But Tuesday was the beginning of my downfall. I was a little sad that it wasn’t being made a bigger deal of. I wondered where the balloons were and even contemplated buying one for myself and writing “Yay ME” on the back of it with a wide-tipped Sharpie.
For a (somewhat frugal) treat, I did take myself out for a little bit of treasure hunting at Goodwill. After finding a few too many cute things for my house, I then picked up my daughter from her driver’s ed class. She’d had a really rough day, too, so I took her to Starbucks where we could vent over a couple of decaf grande something-or-others.
To be fair, my husband did surprise me with a cheesecake and Martinelli’s that evening (along with a very nice card and a Starbucks card tucked inside it), but I was already feeling too low to enjoy it. It didn’t help that the only thing I could taste — thanks to the chemo — was the cheesecake’s cherry topping.
I was on a slippery slope and sliding fast. I fell into a monster depression that, honestly, I’m still not out of — in fact, am still in the thick of. This thing hit me out of the blue. Or, who knows — maybe it was just waiting in the wings. As I told a friend today, I think I’ve just been on a plateau with my eyes on the goal of finishing chemo. Well…been there, done that, got the t-shirt to prove it. Now what?
Like a little plane that was puttering along, I ran out of gas and nose-dived.
And now…the next thing I face is major surgery, recovery, more maintenance medication through November (Herceptin every three weeks), and six weeks of radiation sometime this spring. Knowing that I still have so much ahead is really making me miss my dad, who would have been here for me through all of it.
So there you have it…the bad and the ugly all wrapped up together. From what I’ve been reading, depression is a very much-expected part of breast cancer treatment. Maybe in a way it’s also an emotional release, and I’m learning that’s okay. If I’ve done anything since my diagnosis, it’s that I’ve learned to give myself a break. If I need to rest, I rest. If I need to let something go that doesn’t need to be in my schedule, I let it go. If someone in my life is causing me unneeded stress, I let them go, too. If I need to cry, I cry. If I need to wallow in self pity, I wallow…but not for too long. If I have some down days, there’s probably a reason for it and I’m not going to stuff it.
I gave you the bad and the ugly today, so I should end with some good. I did see my oncologist on Monday, just before my last chemo treatment. He reiterated that my tumor had shrunk somewhere around 99%. Yes — that IS awesome. That’s practically GONE. He then told me, “I love starting my day with patients like you.” Let me tell you something — if you’ve got a doctor who can give you hope and lift your spirits like that, you’ve got the best out there. Period.
Finally, I leave you with this display by artist Tim Etchells. Sometimes we lose hope, but mostly it rises. I’m holding on to it. Have a great weekend!
Courtesy http://timetchells.com
=====================================================================
Sally Dinius is writer-in-chief here at CrazyBusyMama.com, a blog created to inspire and motivate busy mamas everywhere to feel healthy, fit, and in control of their lives. Follow her on Twitter at http://twitter.com/sallydinius, and come join the CrazyBusy Mama Facebook page by clicking here. And don’t forget to check out the new CrazyBusy Mama Quick Guides available for your Kindle or Kindle app!
