As I type this tears are streaming down my face. I am tired of feeling this way: sad, depressed, anxious, angry, surviving the next moment of the day. I am a fixer a doer and solver of all life's problems- that is who I am! or at least that is who I was. But after loosing you, there is no fix. This is no you here in the physical, there is no us, there is no me as I knew me. When I look in the mirror, I don't even recognize the sell of the person staring back at me.
I AM NOT OK! I have blogged about my journey on this previously you can follow along on my journaled grief journey HERE along with a few other prior to my grief journey COFFEE CHATS, and where I eventually was admitting that I would never be able to always hold it together and that I AM NOT OK and that is ok!
Fellow Widow?
I you are a fellow widow and looking for community, check out my NEVER ALONE WIDOWS blog post HERE. Loaded with a lot of resources that might help you and my journey in finding a community with other widows who have kiddos at home.
The night we lost you, my life, our kids lives, our family and world was forever changed. The pain I feel is indescribable and so incredibly hard to put into words. The best way I can describe the pain I feel is like being the worst homesick you could ever imagine..that ache and PIT in your stomach that just never goes away. Homesick in my mind, body and soul and then realizing that no matter the desperate attempts I make, I will never be able to find that home or go back. Not in the way, where you leave a home to go off to college, or parents divorce, or even where you actually physically pull away in the moving truck and leave your physical place of home, no this is so much more final. These experiences of leaving home, are distinct choices of moving away from one chapter and entering into the next. These experience can even be very difficult ones to navigate yet there is still the familiarity of a living home there through your people. Most of these chapters you had a say in the matter of whether or not to turn the next page and write the next chapter. Even in those choices that were made for you as a child that seemed so final, for me it was like the divorce of my parents although very painful and difficult, they were just chapters and closures from one to the next, but not the end of the book. Sure life has its ups and downs and changes, and along with that may create a homesick you can't quite describe but with that comes layers of beauty of these goodbyes and new beginnings and just like every chapter of every book continues on. But this HOMESICK of grief is so much different. We built our LIFE our HOME our Family together. And in seconds everything we had built together and everything I knew was GONE forever.
Homesick not of a place…but of every aspect of my life. The feeling of That HOME is forever gone! Quintin, YOU WERE MY HOME in every sense of the word
HOME Is NOT a PHYSICAL PLACE
Home is defined not only by a physical place, yet home is where we feel the most comfortable, loved and protected. That is who you were to me Q! You were my comfort in the midst of my storm, loved me despite of my stubbornness, you knew me better than I knew myself and you protected me and our family fiercely..as it were your mission in life! YOU WERE OUR HOME!
So as I sit here with my eyes full of tears, ache in my bones, and all the same very numb to the world around me and my circumstances I wear your old sweat shirt in hopes to fill my HOME with you. A hopeful scent of you that seems to be fading, a memory of you that seems to be getting more and more distant as the days somehow continue to roll by.
My Life will never be the same!
I will be Homesick for the rest of my life…. homesick until I come home to see you. The first person I will look for is YOU! I will run to you like I have never ran before…. that person is YOU and will always be YOU! As I type with tear stained eyes, I am so incredibly grateful for the cross. Knowing you are in heaven waiting for us to arrive for that most amazing homecoming is the best and only hope I have.
For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but will have enteral life – John 3:16
I am clinging to HIS promise that we all together as a family will be reunited one glorious day!
Til Death Do us Part…
God called you home just 6 weeks shy of our 25th Wedding Anniversary. When we said our vows as young lovers, we would have never imagined that those words would be fulfilled in the chaos of life and raising our kids together. We thought of these words somewhere long in the distant future after raising our dreamt family and enjoying our hopeful grandkids. For whatever reason, God chose you to go home first and the timing well it was His. I will never understand it, so I have surrendered knowing I will never have the answers and even if I did it wouldn't make a lick of difference. I know WHOSE I am and Who carries us but that doesn't mean I won't live the rest of my days mourning you, us and who I used to be with you. This is my new reality as I lay my head on my pillow at night and wake the next morning.
I know you would not want us to stop living and be sad but honey in our flesh it is what we do, but I want you to know I am fighting it every day to be there for our kids like you would fight it it would have been me. There is not a single moment of a single day where your presence isn't missed, I will forever love you more than life itself.
Until that precious day I am called home, my love…I will carry on and share the legacy of your amazing wisdom – or Q'sim's as we know call them, with our sweet children and the rest of the world willing to listen in hopes that we together can make heaven more crowded. My mission is to find purpose in the pain of losing YOU, MY WORLD and share your story courageously even on those darkest of days because even if one person enters the gates of heaven because of our tragedy of losing you then someday it will be worth all the pain.
The day you left is the day we lost OUR HOME our EVERYTHING. I am doing my best to navigate those new pages of my new story without you here and my hope is that I would make your proud. I may have lost or been misplaced from my forever HOME, but I also realize this isn't the end of my book and God is still writing my story and no doubt we have the biggest cheerleader in Heaven cheering us on every moment of the day .
Just like the Jelly Roll Song… I AM NOT OK
I am barely hanging on…
I will never be OK, but It's all going to be ok.
Love you FOREVER Q
For more about my BELOVED you can read about HIM HERE
Most every morning, I wake up and share a bit of my heart on my socials. If you are not following me on instagram, you can do so HERE and in this season specifically I am sharing my grief journey. Praying that I can share hope in the midst of my pain and how you too can find purpose in the midst of your valley by remembering Whose you are and who holds you! For those who would like to take a listen you can do so below.
So thankful for your encouragement each day 🥹your support means the world to me.
I am excited to announce, I have started my very own Crazy Busy Mama mug collection. “BUT GOD” is on of my signature exclusive mugs and you can SNAG IT HERE – Or even the WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE mug that you could see on my raw vulnerable coffee chat above. Each one of my designs comes with my CBM signature with a 💗✝️ on each. I hope you enjoy having coffee with me each morning and these exclusive CBM designs encourage you to put your best foot forward each day!
My hope is that these mugs are a bit of morning inspiration that you need to help you get started on the right foot each day reminding you of WHO has you and WHOSE you are.
*This site contains product affiliate links. We may receive a commission if you make a purchase after clicking on one of these links
